Everyone Has Scars. Now What?
One day, a daughter calls her dad and leaves an "I just called to say I love you" voicemail. The dad cherished this voicemail and listened to it nearly 20 times weekly for two years. One day, he accidentally deleted it. He texted his daughter about his disappointing dilemma and asked her to please call him and leave another "I just called to say I love you" voicemail. Of course, the daughter did it after she stopped crying. Healthy, loving relationships are something every person requires and desires. Here's something you may not know, and I doubt it surprises you. In my 30 years of involvement in church leadership, most "situations" that come to my attention and need my input are relational problems, not scriptural. Here are a few possible reasons why:
People don't know the Bible well enough to ask about it, care enough about scriptural truth, and have church leadership that is accessible but unwilling to listen and dialogue about it.
The quality of people's lives is influenced more by relationships than scripture.
Absolute truth is absolutely essential. After all, King Jesus talked about relationships and taught and showed us how to love one another. Scriptural truth, healthy emotional and relational skills, and godly self-control powerfully affect the quality of our relationships, thus affecting the quality of our lives. We all know that if a relationship is built on mistrust, trauma, co-dependency, or brokenness, then it's a relationship built on a crumbling foundation. The relationship will crash, and what remains in the rubble will be broken hearts, lives, and possibilities. We are designed and hardwired to flourish because we connect deeply and meaningfully with others. A genuine, life-giving connection requires vulnerability, but vulnerability is scary and too risky. We've done the "vulnerability thing" before and have gotten burned. You and I know this to be true because we compare our emotional and relational burn scars. We are like the scene in the classic 70s movie Jaws when the three men are hunting the Great White that's terrorizing the beach community. In a moment of rare connection, they compare shark bites, knife wounds, and injuries. What they all have in common is pain and scars. We can relate. We also have scars. Stories of broken friendships, struggling marriages, betrayal, and disconnection are too familiar. So what are we to do? Here are some suggestions:
Look in the mirror, humble yourself, repent, and turn to God so His grace will transform your life while you experience refreshing seasons. Bring the best, graceful version of you every day!
Protect connection. Protect connection. Protect connection.
Forgive others quickly. Repeat as necessary.
Avoid gaslighting relationships. (If you don't know what "gaslighting" is, watch this informative and helpful video* by Dr. Henry Cloud).
Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships.
Seek out and participate in healing prayer, counseling, or therapy for yourself.
Prioritize fervently loving God and others daily and contributing to things that matter.
To be clear, I'm not advocating for scripture OR relationships. I'm advocating for relationships to embody scriptural truth that protects connection, acknowledges each person's dignity, honors their God-given identity, takes responsibility for their part in the relationship, and lovingly sacrifices to serve one another.
[1] "We know what true love looks like because of Jesus. He gave His life for us and calls us to give our lives for our brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16 — The Voice Translation. The Voice Bible Copyright © 2012 Thomas Nelson, Inc. The Voice™ translation © 2012 Ecclesia Bible Society. All rights reserved.
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